Remote Viewing

Bernardo knew that Agent Linda Marble was a graduate of the Remote Viewing Academy. In fact, she had graduated with honors only two months after he himself had set the agency record for RV scoring, allowing him to add the initials IRV (for Integrated Remote Viewer) to his agent title. But this and everything else he had or did made little impact on her feelings for him. He could have been the head of the agency itself and she wouldn’t have given a rat’s ass for it. It could be a chemical imbalance. He had thought of having a pheromone analysis and implant to enhance his presence. If he could get a strand of her hair, a pheromone direct match would really improve his chances for attraction. It was true that there had been some problems with the implants in the past, like the fellow whose implant went awry causing him to be attractive all right, but only to female pigeons. “You get what you pay for,” Bernardo thought after reading that the poor bloke had surfed the internet for the cheapest and quickest implant fix and thought that the term “pigeon” was a reference to human females, just like the British use of “bird” for young lady. The first time he went to the park was a grand fiasco which made the national news. He heard that the man eventually had to volunteer for work in Antarctica where there were no pigeons. He dismissed the idea of his own implant on the grounds that he, Bernardo Limpio, would accomplish what he wanted to do in life on his own merit, and with all the natural gifts, appearance, and abilities which had been bestowed on him by the Intelligent Creator. Others argued that any enhancements were also bestowed by the IC but Limpio rejected that idea out of hand. Those were nothing more than vain attempts at Intelligent Personal Creationism, the philosophy which had surfaced after the Supreme Court upheld the Kansas Intelligent Design Act of 2006. The implications of that decision allowed for the extreme Christian Right to declare any action null and void that did not mention Intelligent Design. By default, any action that did reference the KIDA of 2006 was deemed righteous and lawful. This had thrown the entire political and legal system of Kansas into turmoil resulting in Kansas being declared a neutral territory, removed from the other states of the union, and placed under the direct jurisdiction of the federal government. Bernardo looked across the table at Linda and he laughed to himself as he felt the onset of her RV probe. “Don’t waste your time, Linda, you can’t get through,” he said it out loud rather than using RV Thoughts.
Linda gave Bernardo a Mona Lisa smile and flipped her hair as she turned to the Macrosoft Menu Screen. “Good Day, Ms. Marble, will you be having your usual?” the screen queried. “Chuck you, Farley,” she replied, separating the three words and emphasing the beginning of each. “I am sorry, Ms. Marble, but “Chuck-You-Farley” is not a screen option, please select from our delicious menu, may I suggest a Numero Uno today?” By this time, Bernardo was chuckling to himself and, reaching toward her, picked up the strand of her hair that had fallen on the table. She karate chopped his hand. “Don’t even think of a pheromone match, Limpio, I’ll sue your ass from here to hell and back.”
Bernardo didn’t even flinch. “Don’t worry, Agent Marble,” he said and offered the strand to her, “That ain’t my style.” He thought his John Wayne impression might impress her, but Linda was just too tough today. He stared at her and then spoke into the screen, “Numero Uno para mi, gracias.”
“Thank you, Agent Limpio IRV, your order will be right up.”
“Thank you, Agent Leeempeeo, your order will be right up,” Linda mimicked the screenvoice sarcastically, “Number Two for me, asshole.”
“Thank you Agent Marble, RV, your order will be right up.” She looked around at the gray lunch cube trying to find something to look at other than the person across the table. She reached into her daypack and brought out her “Cigareet” brand rolling machine and papers laying them on the table. Bernardo laughed again as she brought out the lid of grass. This was more fallout from the KIDA where marijuana was included in the Intelligent Design Criteria after insertion into the Act by the Kaw Valley Hemp Growers Association. There was absolutely nothing anyone could do about Linda Marble rolling her own on the lunch table at the Agency headquarters. She was, after all, a lifetime Kansan, or Kansa as she preferred and she exercised her rights as one regularly, disobeying nearly all forms of protocol. Bernardo, too was a Kansa, but a bit more modest in his own behavior. Linda finished rolling and lit up, striking a wooden match by raising her leg and dragging the matchstick on the fabric of her designer dress. She took a drag and blew the smoke in the air after holding it in briefly, then offered it to Bernardo who dismissed her offer with a polite smile and wave of the hand she had karate chopped a few minutes ago. “So what can you tell me about Darjeeling that I don’t already know?” Linda asked. “You know my background as a Remote Viewer and you know that I’m damn good at it, so I’d say that anything you know, I know.” She took another hit and put the rest of the number away.
“Not so, little lady,” it was John Wayne again and Bernardo told himself mentally to stop with the John Wayne impression now. “What I know is something that I alone know about Darjeeling, namely where he now is.”
“Everybody knows where Darjeeling is,” Linda replied, “he’s scattered to the wind and his ashes are floating down the Ganges River in India.”
“That’s what everybody else thinks but me.” Limpio sat back in his rocker as the food door opened and two trays emerged on the table. “I happen to know where he is and he definitely is alive and well.”
“You’re makin’ this shit up, Bernie, just so you can hit on me.” Linda put both hands on the table and glared.
“Don’t flatter yourself, Little Lady, or you’re dead where ya sit.” His John Wayne was perfect this time. Limpio laughed out loud.
“Prove it, Limpio, that’s all I’ve got to say,” Linda scooted her tray toward her and dove in ravenously, eating away at the Number Two and spilling food out onto the table all around the tray. Bernardo picked at his food and marveled at her apetite.
“I cross-integrated the Remote Viewing grid field and matched up with an old historical document referencing Darjeeling and his failed winery in Louisburg before the KIDA went into effect. I’ve got the legal description and the locale spotted and I’m going there, not by RV but in person and I would like for you to accompany me. Officially, of course, but also because I like being with you, Linda.”
She put down her sandwich and belched. Then, looking at him intently she answered. “OK, Bernie, I’ll go on official business only and you better not be horkin’ me. And quit with the John Wayne bullshit, ok?”
“OK, Linda, meet me at my office at 0600 tomorrow morning. We’ll go by helicar from the Agency garage. And with that, Agent Bernardo Limpio rose from the table and excused himself, leaving Agent Linda Marble to her thoughts and reveries.